Flora pro.activ reduces cholesterol absorption*

*Bollocks does it. The Advertising Standards Authority have told off Flora’s parent company Unilever because they said the expensive pale yellow stuff ‘actively reduces cholesterol absorption’. Which tests don’t prove, sadly. Still, at least it makes your wallet lighter, at around twice the price of other spreads.

And while we’re here, let’s take a moment to marvel at the wankiness of this spread’s name.

• no caps – that’s informal, that is. This spread wears flip flops and three quarter length shorts to work and nobody cares because it gets the job done, goddammit.

• A dot in the middle – that’s internet! Jesus, that’s so forward looking. pro.active probably has lots of friends on myspace. Do you want to know a secret? On flora’s own promotional website, it’s actually Flora pro·activ, with the bloody dot in the CENTRE of the space, not at the bottom. In word terms, this is like wearing wrap-around shades, a manbag and a fucking visor.

• Don’t you like the way they dropped the e off of Active too? Makes, it punchier, don’t it? More on-message. Fuck off.

The fugitive e is used by Nestle to make women buy their food, in the Fitness – sorry, Fitnesse brand of cereals. So much more feminine! Sveltesse yoghurt too, which sounds like an underarm deoderant but tastes all kinds of WICKED. So that’s okay. Did we wander off there a bit?

Freddo the Frog has an STD

…Or at least his cheap-ass chocolate may give you salmonella.

The recent Cadbury's salmonellagate – a waste pipe dripping into the chocolate crumb tanks, essentially – doesn't seem to be causing too much panic, but questions are being raised about why this was spotted in February and not revealed to the public until now. 

All the stocks in Cadbury's recall should be out of UK and Ireland shops now – why not tell us if you still see them around?

Fact-U-Like of the day 26/6/06

 
Contrary to popular belief, Gelatin isn't made from cow hooves. Not usually, anyway. It's mostly made of pig and cow skins and bones! It also has its own E number, E441, so food companies can slip it into your trifle without you knowing. Bad food companies!

It’s a Coke Zero TAST!*

We trialled the new Coke Zero with a panel of double blinded (ouch) independent reviewers. Just like a traditional Pepsi challenge but without blindfolds. Or Pepsi.

Three innocent-looking glasses held Full Fat Coke, Diet Coke and futuristic Coke Zero. Swigs were taken, lives were changed. Full results after this bit!

*TASTE + TEST lolz shit sorry.

Arse.

Hmmprhm. Ben Goldacre in the ever-essential Bad Science column of the Guardian points out politely that there is no evidence for anti-oxidants in pill form helping you to blitz cancer-causing free radicals. What a bastard. if he just shut up and let us wallow in our foodie illusions, the world would be a better place.

Also, 'free radicals' just makes us start humming 'You Get What You Give'. Remember that? Don't – let – go – you got the music in you!

Oh, suit yourselves.

Foodhackery – How Not To Fart

Want to eat beans? Don't want to recreate Chernobyl?

Some elementary tips on fartless bean eating:

• Use thin-skinned beans which cook faster.
• If you HAVE to eat lentils, always soak them first, even though it's a pain.
• Don't pig out on the beans all at once – introduce them into your diet gradually.

Now you know. No, don't bother to thank us.

Bio-Vat-Meat Dinners Coming Soon to a Belly Near You

Wired looks to the day when meat can be grown in test tubes – okay, giant meat vats – instead of being sheared off the bodies of reluctant farm life. And it's sooner than you think. These guys are talking about 2009 as a realistic date, provided some sucker invests the farm in what they're up to, regardless of the possibility of a nausteated public rioting in the streets. Forget Quorn. Anyone for Queef, or Quamb, or Quig?

Fact-U-Like of the day 22/6/06

Mr Peanut was invented by a 14 year old boy as part of a 'create a mascot' competition. So why hasn't he got DD breasts, twin Uzis, a gold tooth and l33t spellcastng powrs? Because it was in 1916, that's why, jesus.

Hacky Snack

So this new website www.snacksby.com lets you enter what's in your fridge and cupboards and gives you meals you can make from what you've got.

<tries it out>

Pot Noodle sandwich it is, then.

Whale Oil Be ****ed

Okay, not whale oil, but shut up. In this story in the Guardian, George Monbiot points out an embarrassing truth – thanks to overfarming of fish just about everywhere we can either a) eat lots of Omega-3 oil or b) save fish stocks from extinction. Not both. There's an interesting bit about algae at the end, though. Maybe that makes it okay.