Flora pro.activ reduces cholesterol absorption*

*Bollocks does it. The Advertising Standards Authority have told off Flora’s parent company Unilever because they said the expensive pale yellow stuff ‘actively reduces cholesterol absorption’. Which tests don’t prove, sadly. Still, at least it makes your wallet lighter, at around twice the price of other spreads.

And while we’re here, let’s take a moment to marvel at the wankiness of this spread’s name.

• no caps – that’s informal, that is. This spread wears flip flops and three quarter length shorts to work and nobody cares because it gets the job done, goddammit.

• A dot in the middle – that’s internet! Jesus, that’s so forward looking. pro.active probably has lots of friends on myspace. Do you want to know a secret? On flora’s own promotional website, it’s actually Flora pro·activ, with the bloody dot in the CENTRE of the space, not at the bottom. In word terms, this is like wearing wrap-around shades, a manbag and a fucking visor.

• Don’t you like the way they dropped the e off of Active too? Makes, it punchier, don’t it? More on-message. Fuck off.

The fugitive e is used by Nestle to make women buy their food, in the Fitness – sorry, Fitnesse brand of cereals. So much more feminine! Sveltesse yoghurt too, which sounds like an underarm deoderant but tastes all kinds of WICKED. So that’s okay. Did we wander off there a bit?