CODE RED – Biscuit Alert

Biscuits don’t usually get much press here – that’s for the immortal www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com – but this just has to be tackled. Butterscotch McVities Milk Chocolate Digestives. WHY WERE WE NOT INFORMED? This is basically a way of fitting more sugar into the biscuit area of the digestive, giving it an overly melodramatic mouthfeel, like a cross between Baileys, molasses and uranium-57.

A bridge too far – which is why they’re a limited edition – but one for the collectors to look out for.

This may have been out for years, by the way – the biscuits were crumbly and the pack was suspiciously scuffed. Perhaps they escaped from a top secret biscuit testing lab, somewhere in the middle of Dartmoor.

It’s no McVities Caramel Milk Chocolate Digestive, put it that way. Far from it.

Pimp My Catchphrase – Snack Site Gets Slapped

Did you know that giant company Viacom bloody well OWN the phrase ‘PIMP MY’? OHMYGOD TRUE. In a less-than-brillaint Onion article come to life, snack-hacking website www.pimpmysnack.com has been strongarmed into becoming www.pimpthatsnack.com.

This is bullshit. Not in the untrue sense, either.

Anyway, the site’s still boss so check out the giant kit kats and turbo toblerones and what have you. Sigh.

Freddo the Frog has an STD

…Or at least his cheap-ass chocolate may give you salmonella.

The recent Cadbury's salmonellagate – a waste pipe dripping into the chocolate crumb tanks, essentially – doesn't seem to be causing too much panic, but questions are being raised about why this was spotted in February and not revealed to the public until now. 

All the stocks in Cadbury's recall should be out of UK and Ireland shops now – why not tell us if you still see them around?

Fair trade chocolate – shit or rubbish?

BIG CHOCOLATE. The name conjures up a reassuring image, doesn't it? One of those huge-ass Dairy Milk bars, the ones that weigh more than a baby elephant. Or a mountainous Toblerone. Lovely. Well un-conjure those reassuring images, because Big Chocolate is evil with a capital MWA-HA-HA-HA.

A cursory examination of the internet reveals the following fact-u-likes:

1) Norway eats more chocolate than the UK.
2) Most of the world's cacao comes from the Ivory Coast. Not the Milka Cow.
3) If you buy a 90p chocolate bar, the Ghanian cocoa farmer gets 0.5p.
4) Don't buy a 90p chocolate bar, that's a right old rip-off.
5) We don't mean to get all Jeremy Clarkson here, but carob is the scrapings from Satan's toilet bowl.
6) Whatever happened to the Milka Cow, anyway?